Tell me your secrets #2 - Up Close
When I was young and knew nothing about the world, I used to step on wet grass at night and look up at a blanket with holes punched in it, just like when I covered my head with one at the beach and spied through the moth holes— the nights sky was that blanket. I used to pray that the stars would eventually come closer, but when I got older they never did. My older sister used to be scared of the stars and the sun, even clouds. And I felt sorry, because I knew those would always be there. They would never get closer, not until everything that is right now is forgotten and what comes next is itself forgotten in turn. I felt sorry, because I wished they would, so I could see how beautiful they were up close.
Dear Up Close,
The year 2006 is one of the best years of my life. I was only 7 and I would only run in the garden barefoot despite my mother’s scolding and my father’s hard, flat feet. I belonged to nothing and nothing belonged to me. I used to mix herb and mud potions and dig the wet soil with small brown hands. In this time and place, I too knew nothing about the world.
During the August monsoons, sitting at the foot of my parents’ bed –the same bed where I cracked my skull when I was 2; the same bed that we had to sell when we left the 3rd country I had lived in before I bled for the first time…
I was saying, during the August monsoons, sitting at the foot of my parents’ bed– the same bed where my mother lay for days on end in the dark waiting for god to give her strength to stand up before her baby got home from school, the same bed where I slept in the middle because I was sick with fever and malaria. I get sidetracked.
During the August monsoons, sitting at the foot of my parents’ bed– I swear I’m going to make it this time. Sitting at the foot of my parents’ bed, I would listen to God pour her tears, sweat, and spit on the red dirt that my bare feet were stained with. Often I wondered when the rain would stop. I’ve seen water come for 7 days and 7 nights straight! Little did I know that the rain would stop once and for all in the year 2008. Here it became time for me to become the rain and the monsoon. Crying, sweating, and spitting on new cities that weren’t mine, on mountains unknown, and– I forget the rest.
The point is, you see, I am a bloodborne child of someone named Mami Wata. Washed under the eye of– I would dare waste her name here again. Water carrier that she is, I am the same. To every new place where I’ve arrived, I’ve brought the violent and sensual tropical storm with me. Hence the downpour this summer. Welcome home, I said to myself.
At times, I know that this is a delusion but in other moments, I know that it’s the truth because what else do I have? I am here alone with the water spirit just like your sister is there alone facing the sun, the stars, and even the clouds which are a part of her. Yet we could never be up close, we are so far from home.
TAROT CARD: VII OF CUPS (REVERSED)
Oh wow! A cup card just as I’m talking about water what a coincidence. And a seven too… Sevens are contemplation cards. They often appear during a time when one is being reminded of the importance of tuning in with their intuition, inner wisdom, and sometimes even their deeper memories. Today it just urges you to pay extra attention to what you hold in these seven cups so that you don’t end up actually spilling them over as the reversed imagery tends to show. Think of all of the places where you are delusional in life and apply it there. Because it is the suit of cups, I would say this path is to be led by the heart and not the mind to yield the most favorable results.
There may also be some fine print in this card including but not limited to a chaotic and confusing love life, clarity about love, the creation of a clear career vision, confusion in career, financial clarity and lack of financial goals.
That’s all for now <3 -Saz